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BREAKING: Chelsea Clinton Just Woke Up In Jail

The next generation of scandalous Clinton’s, aka Chelsea “too good to take her husband’s name” Clinton, woke up this morning in a Pennsylvania jail cell. It seems that after a night of drinking with her friends, Clinton demanded to see the Rolling Rock brewery in LaTrobe, which was closed down years ago.

Clinton got an Uber and made her way to the site of the brewery that closed in 1996 and began throwing rocks at windows when nobody would let her in. She kept shouting, “what the f*ck does ’33’ mean?” The number 33 which appears on every bottle of Rolling Rock has never had an official explanation, though there are many conspiracies.

Clinton was arrested by local police and taken to the county lockup in Greensburg where she was booked for disturbing the peace. This morning she was released and the charges were dropped, because in America, being a Clinton means you never pay for your crimes.

Her name was stricken from the official record but we were lucky enough to get a statement from Patrolman Sean Lightman, who was there when Clinton was booked:

“She was a complete b*tch. She told us that if we didn’t let her go that her mother would have us all killed. We couldn’t believe it in the morning when the governor himself called to tell us to let her go. I don’t care though. If I lose my job I lose my job.”

Another Clinton scandal swept under the rug.

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